Sad :( Just really, really sad. Sad to be leaving my new baby boy to go back to a career I am so thankful for and a classroom I love so much. As I type this post, I am watching Jaxon in his swing, moving his little arms and legs, looking around with his big, blue eyes and wondering how I ever left my 4 other children to go to work and was it this hard? I can truly say yes it was hard, difficult (swallow...big lump in my throat). I know it will get easier as time goes by but the initial heartache is so painful emotionally. The time at home with him has passed by so fast, I have cherished every minute and I have taken tons of pictures. I see friends having their babies and starting their time at home and other friends who are counting down to have their babies. It is such a wonderful experience bonding with and learning about a new little person and watching that one little person blend in so well with your family.
Back to the real world soon, back to working, rushing, deadlines, and all of the things that make life so hectic, but at least I get to come home to 6 of the greatest blessings ever given to me. I love my family and I hope they know that I have never taken them for granted.
I know the plans I have for you... Jeremiah 29:11 Be strong and courageous... Joshua 1:9
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year 2012
I am getting some quiet time this afternoon and I want to take a little time to reflect on the last year and how I am so grateful for the flurry of blessings that have been given to me by God. We started our year off by attending church. There were couple of points in the sermon that made me really think about where I am in my walk with Christ.
1) Do I wake up every morning and think of HIM first and THANK HIM?
2) Do I begin my night with HIM?
3) Do I put God first before others?
3) Do I cast my cares and worries upon him or do I worry and try to fix it MYSELF?
I consider myself very imperfect. I am not the straight line walker, I mess up constantly, I fail daily, I worry, I cry, I get frustrated, I cry, I get mad, I pout, BUT I am FORGIVEN! Why shouldn't I take a minute, five minutes, to thank HIM for allowing me to wake up, after all, WITHOUT HIM I am nothing. HE created me, HE has given me everything I have, and in one minute it could all be gone. Life is busy, almost crazy sometimes.
Several times a day, I find myself worrying about money, life issues, my children...what if every time those worrying thoughts creep into my head, I would just ask God to take the worries from me and give me peace and strength to carry on? What would happen? Does this mean the human flesh would not let these feelings rekindle? Well, no but I have a FATHER who cares and who wants those burdens placed at HIS FEET!
I just thought I would share. This was heavy on my heart.
Jenn
1) Do I wake up every morning and think of HIM first and THANK HIM?
2) Do I begin my night with HIM?
3) Do I put God first before others?
3) Do I cast my cares and worries upon him or do I worry and try to fix it MYSELF?
I consider myself very imperfect. I am not the straight line walker, I mess up constantly, I fail daily, I worry, I cry, I get frustrated, I cry, I get mad, I pout, BUT I am FORGIVEN! Why shouldn't I take a minute, five minutes, to thank HIM for allowing me to wake up, after all, WITHOUT HIM I am nothing. HE created me, HE has given me everything I have, and in one minute it could all be gone. Life is busy, almost crazy sometimes.
Several times a day, I find myself worrying about money, life issues, my children...what if every time those worrying thoughts creep into my head, I would just ask God to take the worries from me and give me peace and strength to carry on? What would happen? Does this mean the human flesh would not let these feelings rekindle? Well, no but I have a FATHER who cares and who wants those burdens placed at HIS FEET!
I just thought I would share. This was heavy on my heart.
Jenn
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Where has the time gone?
Jaxon is 1 month old now. Where has the time gone? He has changed so much. He went from barely drinking an ounce to drinking 4 ounces in a month. He is awake longer and more alert and he listens intently when I talk to him. He warms my heart. He gives my life purpose. Most would think that taking maternity leave means no work, sleeping in, pajamas, dirty house, piled up laundry, etc. Well, all I do is feed him, change him, but it is a joy, because for the last time (tears) I get to start off a precious angel's life. When he cries, he knows his mommy will be there, when he is wet, he knows his mommy will change him, when he needs to be held, he knows his mommy will hold him. When he needs to feel reassured, I will always be there for him. Being a mommy is hard, but so so rewarding. It is the most difficult job in the world. As I watch him look around, sitting in his bouncy seat, I wonder what is going through his little mind. I know he hears the noises of his brothers and sisters and his mommy and daddy talking to him. I hope he feels safe and loved. We sure feel blessed that God gave us another angel here on Earth.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
and then there were 5...
People say I am crazy....but you learn to cope. Juggling is what I do best. I love my children with all of my heart. No it is not easy....They are spread apart in age, have totally different interests...but they are my joy, my leather-seated BMW, my trip to Italy, my diamonds, my yacht! I don't need all of those things because I have what God entrusted to me and that I have given back to him, because they are HIS. I get to raise them but truly my children are HIS. I get to dwell in the memories, the milestones, the grief, the heartaches, the middle of the night feedings, everything about them because mommy's do that sort of thing regardless....mommies are there for everything. I pray for them, that they will grow up and MODEL HIS PATH (they will certainly be well versed in it), that one day they will find someone who will love them, pray for them, go to church with them and want to be with them because of who they are.
I love what I have.....I have prayed for what I have....Never do I take for granted what I have, because I know that in 5 minutes it could be gone...(lots of life lessons have proved that, past and present) Storms in my life, yes. Do I worry, yes, trying to have more faith ( I know God is ON TIME and will make a way!) Am I perfect, no way, but I AM FORGIVEN!
Cherishing my life minute by minute!
In HIS WAY! JENN
I love what I have.....I have prayed for what I have....Never do I take for granted what I have, because I know that in 5 minutes it could be gone...(lots of life lessons have proved that, past and present) Storms in my life, yes. Do I worry, yes, trying to have more faith ( I know God is ON TIME and will make a way!) Am I perfect, no way, but I AM FORGIVEN!
Cherishing my life minute by minute!
In HIS WAY! JENN
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Jaxon Lee Lofty 11/28/11
Well folks, I am a mommy of 5! On Monday, November 28, 2011, Jason and I woke up the kids at 4 AM and headed to my Mamaw's where we dropped off the four kiddos to hang out until baby Jaxon arrived. They were so excited and I cried as we left them because I knew very soon how things were going to be so different with a new baby in the house. We arrived at ParkRidge East ( BEST EXPERIENCE EVER) , while Jason parked the car, I checked in through the Emergency Room and got my papers and admission bracelet and we made our way to labor and delivery. I was soooo nervous and I could tell he was too, then he took my hand. I then felt safe and secure and I knew that I had my best friend right beside me, and that God was definitely with us. We were greeted by the nurses, led to our room and got hooked up to the monitor and asked a dozen questions and before I knew it, the IV was started, I was given this yucky stuff to drink and anesthesia came in to discuss the spinal (can you say HEAVEN). Then Dr. Brown came and made small talk. They took me back and had Jason wait....
I remember the spinal not hurting at all, I remember laying down and letting the warmth overtake my body and being draped and remember seeing Jason walk in, in his surgical garb and thinking...Is this really it? Jason held my hand and the doctors began the csection and at 7:53 AM Jaxon Lee entered this world and the docs asked Jason to stand and look at his boy, the only baby I could give him. I told him to go to the baby, that I would be ok....It seemed like forever that the doctors kept working on me....I heard I can't get this bleeding stopped....and are you ok....from the anesthesiologist....they kept giving me medicines through my IV. Jason and I got to see Jaxon for 1 minute before they whisked him off to the nursery because he was having trouble breathing. I told Jason to go be with Jaxon, but he never left my side in the OR.
Then the words that I knew would change my outlook and make me so SAD. We are ready to start the tubal ligation. I had so many mixed feelings about this. I know what God says about being fruitful and multiplying, but I also knew what my body had been through in the past 9 months. I am truly am saddened that I can never carry another baby in my womb, it really breaks my heart. But on the other hand, I do want to see the five children I have been blessed with, grow up, graduate, go to college, get married and have babies of their own. I want to be here for them now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. In order to do that, I had to protect my life.
Jaxon Lee Lofty, a true miracle from God! If I had never believed in God, this little angel would have opened my eyes for sure. But I can say that if it weren't for my faith in God, I would have never made it through this year.
Around 9:45 I was wheeled to the recovery room, and was pressed on and monitored and finally got some ice chips. SOOO hungry. They even allowed visitors, more than they should because it was a light day there in the delivery area, I think there was me and 1 other mom. Finally, after 3 of the longest hours of my life, I was wheeled to the nursery window to see my little guy. I hadn't got to touch him or hold him....and I just cried as I touched the window. Now I am really surprised by this time that I hadn't barfed due to all the meds I had been given. They finally got me to a room, got me settled and guess what, instant exorcist projectile vomit. It came out of nowhere. They got me settled and finally brought me my baby. I just sat and held him and cried (wow postpartum tears a plenty).
Day 2: 11/29/11 Jaxon's bilirubin levels were too high so he had to be placed under the bili lights and we made the decision to keep him in the room and place him in the nursery at night so he could get intensive treatment so hopefully Wednesday his levels would go down enough so we could take him home.
Day 3: 11/30/11 We were discharged around 12:30 PM, Jaxon's levels were very low and doctor felt confident to send him home. Wow, a csection and a tubal....not a good idea to do both at the same time....PAINFUL!!!! Missing our other babies, glad to be going home.
LOVING LIFE with our 4 guys and a girl! Life is beautiful!
I remember the spinal not hurting at all, I remember laying down and letting the warmth overtake my body and being draped and remember seeing Jason walk in, in his surgical garb and thinking...Is this really it? Jason held my hand and the doctors began the csection and at 7:53 AM Jaxon Lee entered this world and the docs asked Jason to stand and look at his boy, the only baby I could give him. I told him to go to the baby, that I would be ok....It seemed like forever that the doctors kept working on me....I heard I can't get this bleeding stopped....and are you ok....from the anesthesiologist....they kept giving me medicines through my IV. Jason and I got to see Jaxon for 1 minute before they whisked him off to the nursery because he was having trouble breathing. I told Jason to go be with Jaxon, but he never left my side in the OR.
Then the words that I knew would change my outlook and make me so SAD. We are ready to start the tubal ligation. I had so many mixed feelings about this. I know what God says about being fruitful and multiplying, but I also knew what my body had been through in the past 9 months. I am truly am saddened that I can never carry another baby in my womb, it really breaks my heart. But on the other hand, I do want to see the five children I have been blessed with, grow up, graduate, go to college, get married and have babies of their own. I want to be here for them now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. In order to do that, I had to protect my life.
Jaxon Lee Lofty, a true miracle from God! If I had never believed in God, this little angel would have opened my eyes for sure. But I can say that if it weren't for my faith in God, I would have never made it through this year.
Around 9:45 I was wheeled to the recovery room, and was pressed on and monitored and finally got some ice chips. SOOO hungry. They even allowed visitors, more than they should because it was a light day there in the delivery area, I think there was me and 1 other mom. Finally, after 3 of the longest hours of my life, I was wheeled to the nursery window to see my little guy. I hadn't got to touch him or hold him....and I just cried as I touched the window. Now I am really surprised by this time that I hadn't barfed due to all the meds I had been given. They finally got me to a room, got me settled and guess what, instant exorcist projectile vomit. It came out of nowhere. They got me settled and finally brought me my baby. I just sat and held him and cried (wow postpartum tears a plenty).
Day 2: 11/29/11 Jaxon's bilirubin levels were too high so he had to be placed under the bili lights and we made the decision to keep him in the room and place him in the nursery at night so he could get intensive treatment so hopefully Wednesday his levels would go down enough so we could take him home.
Day 3: 11/30/11 We were discharged around 12:30 PM, Jaxon's levels were very low and doctor felt confident to send him home. Wow, a csection and a tubal....not a good idea to do both at the same time....PAINFUL!!!! Missing our other babies, glad to be going home.
LOVING LIFE with our 4 guys and a girl! Life is beautiful!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The night before JLL
As I sit thinking about all the gazillion things I need to do before I go to bed on this Sunday night, my mind is wondering to my place as a mother of 4 and wondering how in just over 12 hours all this will change. We have had a full weekend of Thanksgiving festivities and some downtime but I have yet to process the fact that I will be a mother of five. Some people say that I needed to stop at 2, then 3, then 4, and never have this 5th child, but who is to say that God didn't have my life planned out from the day my mother delivered me. In fact, I know that he did, because my Christian foundation and faith has remained firm that God's plan is the only plan that I follow. He will see this family through and even though I may worry and have doubts and fears, I can bank on my God! He will be ON TIME!
I just want to thank those who have encouraged and supported me through this long road of starting over, getting remarried, and having yet another miracle in my life. It has not been easy but yet, God is still providing. Tomorrow will yet mark another wonderful milestone in my life. a first for my new husband in which I get to share with him, a new daddy. He loves my children as his own and if you have seen his interaction with them, it is so evident, but there is something about holding your own for the first time.
While most of you are sleeping, I will be awake anticipating what will happen tomorrow and all the new memories that will be made. I love being a mommy. It is all that I have ever wanted to be. 4 AM will come so early but I am so excited to continue this journey with my children and my husband and my new son. I will post pictures as soon as I can.
Jenn
I just want to thank those who have encouraged and supported me through this long road of starting over, getting remarried, and having yet another miracle in my life. It has not been easy but yet, God is still providing. Tomorrow will yet mark another wonderful milestone in my life. a first for my new husband in which I get to share with him, a new daddy. He loves my children as his own and if you have seen his interaction with them, it is so evident, but there is something about holding your own for the first time.
Jenn
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thankful
As November has started, I have tried to list on facebook once a day, something I am thankful for.
See list....very proud of my list......
Day 1: Thankful for my salvation, without God I am nothing.
I have been fine listing my thankfuls but then comes Day 10 and I just feel stuck. I am very defeated about this pregnancy and my health related issues. It's not that I want my baby to be born early and in the NICU, God know that I don't, I just want answers. Is that too much to ask for? I know that I have many blessings. I have made it this far, Jaxon seems to be ok, his fluid is low, his weight gain has slowed too which has not been discussed with me on the next steps since the amniocentesis didn't return desired results. I will be 36 weeks this Sunday, November 13, 2011. I guess I will be thankful when this is all over, when my blood pressure and headaches are more controlled, when I know more about what the aneurysm will mean to the rest of my life, and hopefully when I can exercise and feel more in control of my body and when I can just plain feel like a human again. That's it, I am just thankful that normal is hopefully around the corner and my baby will hopefully be in my arms soon, Lord willing and the creek don't rise. Optimism is harder to grasp on this side of the fence.
Jenn
See list....very proud of my list......
Day 1: Thankful for my salvation, without God I am nothing.
I have been fine listing my thankfuls but then comes Day 10 and I just feel stuck. I am very defeated about this pregnancy and my health related issues. It's not that I want my baby to be born early and in the NICU, God know that I don't, I just want answers. Is that too much to ask for? I know that I have many blessings. I have made it this far, Jaxon seems to be ok, his fluid is low, his weight gain has slowed too which has not been discussed with me on the next steps since the amniocentesis didn't return desired results. I will be 36 weeks this Sunday, November 13, 2011. I guess I will be thankful when this is all over, when my blood pressure and headaches are more controlled, when I know more about what the aneurysm will mean to the rest of my life, and hopefully when I can exercise and feel more in control of my body and when I can just plain feel like a human again. That's it, I am just thankful that normal is hopefully around the corner and my baby will hopefully be in my arms soon, Lord willing and the creek don't rise. Optimism is harder to grasp on this side of the fence.
Jenn
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