As I sit here after another long, but rewarding week (I will be 33 weeks Sunday), I sit teary-eyed that God has allowed Jaxon to stay safe another week, not because I deserve it, but because it is HIS will. I so do not deserve my wonderful husband who has had dinner waiting on me and my 4 children every day, nor do I deserve these 4 children who love me unconditionally because I am their mommy. I feel so blessed and thankful because I am part of a special calling to teach children, not just about math but how the real world works. Last, I am overwhelmed of how Jesus can look at my life and call me his child after all the wrong that I have done.
Every night at dinner, one of my children pray the blessing for the food. It goes like this "God, thank you for this day, thank you for mom and Jason getting married, thank you for mom having a baby, thank you for everything we have, thank you for my family, thank you for this food" and many more thanks.....and its then I realize I am making a difference in their lives, how getting remarried has changed them for the BETTER, that I am doing a great job raising them and how I hope that Jaxon feels the same love and commitment from me that they feel.
I am very anxious and overwhelmed at becoming a mommy for the 5th time. I am choosing to breastfeed, I have two with asthma(still) and milk protein allergies(all clear now) and feel that I need to at least try to beef up his immune system until I go back to work in January. I know that it will be work to get nursing established and I hope I can sustain him and I am so excited to spend some precious time at home with a newborn again. It has been 5 years since Enslee was a baby and I miss that stage so much. I am excited to see him for the first time and watch his little mouth movements and count his fingers and toes and see who he looks like. But most of all, I just want him healthy, in my arms and safe.
The last thing I want to blog about tonight is my husband Jason. He has been such a trooper through this pregnancy, not knowing when the mood swings are coming, the aneurysm and hospital stay, the numerous doctor visits, being a stepdad, and now a first time dad. I see how excited he is and he has stood by me through everything. In about 3 weeks, we will experience together a first, a c-section to bring Jaxon into the world. I am nervous as is he because this is my first ever surgery. I love that he will get to hold our baby for the very first time while I recover. He will get to do many of Jaxon's firsts and that makes me very happy. Enough for tonight.....goodnight to all.
