15 years?

Has it been that long since I became a mommy for the very FIRST time?  I remember how excited I was to become a mom and how I called my dad and mom to tell them.  They were so thrilled too.  I was so young then, a mere 22 and I guess I had a lot of growing up to do and having a baby helped me grow up so much.  Evan has been such a joy, many say he is an old soul, because he has so much in common with people and has never been really immature.  He likes to go to church and sing in the choir and sing specials.  He is content to hang out with dear old mom or his family.  He is intelligent and trustworthy and works hard.  He is working hard this year as a freshman in the Honors Academy and is about to get his learner's permit.  I can say that he makes me humble.  He is sweet, kind, and so passionate about life and what he wants to do.

Thank you Lord for my time with him as a baby, as a child, and now as a teenager!  He enriches my life every day.  Happy Birthday Evan.  I love you to the moon and back!  <3  Love, MOM

Happy 9 Months!

I haven't posted a lot about Jaxon lately.  He is growing like a little weed though.  He is currently 9 1/2 months and he weighed 22 lbs, 12 ozs and was 29 3/4 inches at his 9 month appointment.  I am amazed at what he is doing at such a young age.  I guess it has a lot to do with all of the experience he is getting with his older brothers and sister.  He started sitting up at 6 months, crawling at 7 months, cruising the furniture at 8 months, and is into everything that his brothers and sister are doing.  He loves table food and sweet tea, but we are careful to make sure he gets his Nutramigen formula and stage 3 baby food (not much longer, though)!   He doesn't like tart or bitter foods like peaches.  He is trying to use a sippy cup.  He has 7 teeth and cutting more.  He has blue eyes with little brown specks in them just like Eastan and his hair is changing daily.  He is wearing 12-18 months clothes and size 3 shoes (if we can get him to wear them)!  He is sitting stationary in a size 4 diaper.

Sometimes, we catch him looking at books and babbling.  I hope he likes to read.  I read to him and sing to him a lot.  He likes to be busy and loves to listen to the singing at church.  He understands some sign language and clicks his tongue.  He loves pat-a cake and ride a little horsey....SO precious.  Thankful that God allowed me to mother one more.  It won't be long now and this baby will be one and we will wonder where the time has gone.  Just thankful and grateful that God saw fit to bless me with Jaxon. 

Eastan Carter

I remember this day quite well, the anticipation setting in as we prepared the house and Evan and Ethan for baby #3 that would be arriving in less than 48 hours.  I always wanted to bring a baby home to a clean house because after that it was hard to get anything done.  And then there were 3.  His little blue eyes, his fiery red hair, his sweet disposition, his sweet little heart, his compassion for right and wrong.  I love you Eastan Carter and you are so special to me.  All of these years of raising you, I know God has something special in store for you.  8 years ago on August 2nd, my heart grew to make room for you, sweet boy.  Happy Birthday!

Enslee Cayden

Almost 6 years ago, another heart's desire was given to me....a little girl.  After 3 little boys and a heartbreaking miscarriage, I just assumed that we would have a family of boys, which I was totally grateful to have.  I remember the ultrasound appointment after months of being so sick and throwing up(I had lost 50 pounds prior to becoming pregnant and then lost another 16)!  I tried so hard to think of a boy "E" name that I liked as well as I loved my other boy names.  But anyway back to the ultrasound appointment, we went in and I just knew it was a boy.  Lo, and behold, the ultrasound technician asked how many do you have and we stated "3 boys" and she said "well they are going to have their hands full with this one!"  AND there SHE was.....My heart was so overjoyed!  I knew from that moment she would be the little girl that I never wanted to be.  The prissy, pink/purple, dress up, ballerina type!  To look at her today, I am so proud of her, she has a heart of gold.  She is amazing, she is strong and sensitive, she can read and write.  She is a lefty, and she isn't afraid to tell you what she believes.  She can pray the sweetest prayer and she will tell how she asked Jesus into her heart!  I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be her mommy for this time on Earth!  I love you Enslee Cayden! 

Ethan Charles

Today is a special day for my sweet son.  My second son, Ethan Charles was born today.  My smallest baby to date, my miracle baby, the baby that I waited for so long. The baby they told me I might never have... I waited almost 6 years for him to come.  He is sensitive, sweet and very caring and compassionate about everyone he meets.  He takes and takes and when he has had enough he retreats to his quiet place.  I am so grateful for him, he holds a special place in my heart!  I thank the Lord for him! He is 9 years old today and his middle name is after my daddy who died a year before he was born.  I love you Ethan!

April 2, 2012

Well folks, Jason and I made it to year one of marriage (4/2/12).  He has done pretty well of taking on a woman with four kids and then adding on one of his own.  At times, I can see his eyes glaze over, but his patience is overwhelmingly present and it calms me.  The last year and a half have been amazing. Here are some pictures to show our family and how we have traveled this amazing journey TOGETHER!

 This is our engagement photo taken my Michelle Carter of Michelle Carter Photography.  

(All photos courtesy of Michelle Carter Photography)

Our wedding day surround by family and friends! 

Our new precious family joined!

Finding that Jaxon was coming to join us!

Knowing that my 4 angels would love this angel more than life itself was overwhelming!

 A family of 6....almost a family of 7!

And then...that sweet baby came and made that daddy so happy....so overjoyed...beyond words

GOD has truly blessed....How can anyone not see that!

Our cup runneth over!

In the eyes of kids

Do you ever wonder what kids think about?  I do a lot and especially wonder what my little guy Jaxon is thinking about as we take care of him daily.  Does he feel safe and secure?  Does he feel loved, does he really even know what love is yet?  Jaxon has just started crying when he is upset...wanting a bottle usually.  After that bottle, he is the most content little fellow. He is so alert now, only taking 2 to 3 little naps a day.  He is smiling and laughing and kicking his little legs and holding his head up.  Since he was diagnosed with reflux and milk protein allergy he is not been on his tummy or back a lot because he spits up so bad.  So today, I laid him on his gym and let him play and laid beside him.  He smiled and reached for the toys hanging and just "talked" to me and the toys. 

I do not even have to wonder what my older guys and gal are thinking because they sure do let me know on a daily basis, and what they have to tell me is very enlightening!  So glad that they all have a good foundation and are not afraid to have a talk with dear old mom about things that bother them or about questions they have.  It is very important in this day and age to keep the lines of communication open with them.  The world is crazy and so unknown.  I can raise them the best that I can and hope that the old adage stays true..."Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it".

Countdown....back to work I go

Sad :( Just really, really sad.  Sad to be leaving my new baby boy to go back to a career I am so thankful for and a classroom I love so much.  As I type this post, I am watching Jaxon in his swing, moving his little arms and legs, looking around with his big, blue eyes and wondering how I ever left my 4 other children to go to work and was it this hard?  I can truly say yes it was hard, difficult (swallow...big lump in my throat).  I know it will get easier as time goes by but the initial heartache is so painful emotionally. The time at home with him has passed by so fast, I have cherished every minute and I have taken tons of pictures.  I see friends having their babies and starting their time at home and other friends who are counting down to have their babies.  It is such a wonderful experience bonding with and learning about a new little person and watching that one little person blend in so well with your family.  

Back to the real world soon, back to working, rushing, deadlines, and all of the things that make life so hectic, but at least I get to come home to  6 of the greatest blessings ever given to me.  I love my family and I hope they know that I have never taken them for granted.

Happy New Year 2012

I am getting some quiet time this afternoon and I want to take a little time to reflect on the last year and how I am so grateful for the flurry of blessings that have been given to me by God.  We started our year off by attending church.  There were couple of points in the sermon  that made me really think about where I am in my walk with Christ.
1) Do I wake up every morning and think of HIM first and THANK HIM?
2) Do I begin my night with HIM?
3) Do I put God first before others?
3)  Do I cast my cares and worries upon him or do I worry and try to fix it MYSELF? 

I consider myself very imperfect.  I am not the straight line walker, I mess up constantly, I fail daily, I worry, I cry, I get frustrated, I cry, I get mad, I pout, BUT I am FORGIVEN!  Why shouldn't I take a minute, five minutes, to thank HIM for allowing me to wake up, after all, WITHOUT HIM I am nothing.  HE created me, HE has given me everything I have, and in one minute it could all be gone.  Life is busy, almost crazy sometimes.

Several times a day, I find myself worrying about money, life issues, my children...what if every time those worrying thoughts creep into my head, I would just ask God to take the worries from me and give me peace and strength to carry on?  What would happen? Does this mean the human flesh would not let these feelings rekindle?  Well, no but I have a FATHER who cares and who wants those burdens placed at HIS FEET! 

I just thought I would share.  This was heavy on my heart.

Jenn

Where has the time gone?

Jaxon is 1 month old now.  Where has the time gone?  He has changed so much.  He went from barely drinking an ounce to drinking 4 ounces in a month.  He is awake longer and more alert and he listens intently when I talk to him.  He warms my heart.  He gives my life purpose.  Most would think that taking maternity leave means no work, sleeping in, pajamas, dirty house, piled up laundry, etc.  Well, all I do is feed him, change him, but it is a joy, because for the last time (tears) I get to start off a precious angel's life.  When he cries, he knows his mommy will be there, when he is wet, he knows his mommy will change him, when he needs to be held, he knows his mommy will hold him.  When he needs to feel reassured, I will always be there for him.  Being a mommy is hard, but so so rewarding.  It is the most difficult job in the world.  As I watch him look around, sitting in his bouncy seat, I wonder what is going through his little mind.  I know he hears the noises of his brothers and sisters and his mommy and daddy talking to him.  I hope he feels safe and loved.  We sure feel blessed that God gave us another angel here on Earth. 

and then there were 5...

People say I am crazy....but you learn to cope.  Juggling is what I do best.  I love my children with all of my heart.  No it is not easy....They are spread apart in age, have totally different interests...but they are my joy, my leather-seated BMW, my trip to Italy, my diamonds, my yacht!  I don't need all of those things because I have what God entrusted to me and that I have given back to him, because they are HIS.  I get to raise them but truly my children are HIS.  I get to dwell in the memories, the milestones, the grief, the heartaches, the middle of the night feedings, everything about them because mommy's do that sort of thing regardless....mommies are there for everything.  I pray for them, that they will grow up and MODEL HIS PATH (they will certainly be well versed in it),  that one day they will find someone who will love them, pray for them, go to church with them and want to be with them because of who they are.

I love what I have.....I have prayed for what I have....Never do I take for granted what I have, because I know that in 5 minutes it could be gone...(lots of life lessons have proved that, past and present)  Storms in my life, yes. Do I worry, yes, trying to have more faith ( I know God is ON TIME and will make a way!)  Am I perfect, no way, but I AM FORGIVEN! 

Cherishing my life minute by minute!  

In HIS WAY!   JENN

Jaxon Lee Lofty 11/28/11

Well folks, I am a mommy of 5!  On Monday, November 28, 2011, Jason and I woke up the kids  at 4 AM and headed to my Mamaw's where we dropped off the four kiddos to hang out until baby Jaxon arrived.  They were so excited and I cried as we left them because I knew very soon how things were going to be so different with a new baby in the house.  We arrived at ParkRidge East ( BEST EXPERIENCE EVER) , while Jason parked the car, I checked in through the Emergency Room and got my papers and admission bracelet and we made our way to labor and delivery.  I was soooo nervous and I could tell he was too, then he took my hand.  I then felt safe and secure and I knew that I had my best friend right beside me, and that God was definitely with us.  We were greeted by the nurses, led to our room and got hooked up to the monitor and asked a dozen questions and before I knew it, the IV was started, I was given this yucky stuff to drink and anesthesia came in to discuss the spinal (can you say HEAVEN).  Then Dr. Brown came and made small talk.  They took me back and had Jason wait....

I remember the spinal not hurting at all, I remember laying down and letting the warmth overtake my body and being draped and remember seeing Jason walk in, in his surgical garb and thinking...Is this really it?  Jason held my hand and the doctors began the csection and at 7:53 AM Jaxon Lee entered this world and the docs asked Jason to stand and look at his boy, the only baby I could give him.   I told him to go to the baby, that I would be ok....It seemed like forever that the doctors kept working on me....I heard I can't get this bleeding stopped....and are you ok....from the anesthesiologist....they kept giving me medicines through my IV.  Jason and I got to see Jaxon for 1 minute before they whisked him off to the nursery because he was having trouble breathing.  I told Jason to go be with Jaxon, but he never left my side in the OR.

Then the words that I knew would change my outlook and make me so SAD.  We are ready to start the tubal ligation.  I had so many mixed feelings about this.  I know what God says about being fruitful and multiplying, but I also knew what my body had been through in the past 9 months.  I am truly am saddened that I can never carry another baby in my womb, it really breaks my heart.  But on the other hand, I do want to see the five children I have been blessed with, grow up, graduate, go to college, get married and have babies of their own.  I want to be here for them now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.  In order to do that, I had to protect my life.

Jaxon Lee Lofty, a true miracle from God!  If I had never believed in God, this little angel would have opened my eyes for sure.  But I can say that if it weren't for my faith in God, I would have never made it through this year.

Around 9:45 I was wheeled to the recovery room, and was pressed on and monitored and finally got some ice chips.  SOOO hungry.  They even allowed visitors, more than they should because it was a light day there in the delivery area, I think there was me and 1 other mom.  Finally, after 3 of the longest hours of my life, I was wheeled to the nursery window to see my little guy.  I hadn't got to touch him or hold him....and I just cried as I touched the window.  Now I am really surprised by this time that I hadn't barfed due to all the meds I had been given.  They finally got me to a room, got me settled and guess what, instant exorcist projectile vomit.  It came out of nowhere.  They got me settled and finally brought me my baby.  I just sat and held him and cried (wow postpartum tears a plenty).

Day 2:  11/29/11   Jaxon's bilirubin levels were too high so he had to be placed under the bili lights and we made the decision to keep him in the room and place him in the nursery at night so he could get intensive treatment so hopefully Wednesday his levels would go down enough so we could take him home.

Day 3:  11/30/11  We were discharged around 12:30 PM, Jaxon's levels were very low and doctor felt confident to send him home.  Wow, a csection and a tubal....not a good idea to do both at the same time....PAINFUL!!!!  Missing our other babies, glad to be going home.


LOVING LIFE with our 4 guys and a girl!  Life is beautiful!

The night before JLL

As I sit thinking about all the gazillion things I need to do before I go to bed on this Sunday night, my mind is wondering to my place as a mother of 4 and wondering how in just over 12 hours all this will change.  We have had a full weekend of Thanksgiving festivities and some downtime but I have yet to process the fact that I will be a mother of five.  Some people say that I needed to stop at 2, then 3, then 4, and never have this 5th child, but who is to say that God didn't have my life planned out from the day my mother delivered me.  In fact,  I know that he did, because my Christian foundation and faith has remained firm that God's plan is the only plan that I follow.  He will see this family through and even though I may worry and have doubts and fears, I can bank on my God!  He will be ON TIME!

I just want to thank those who have encouraged and supported me through this long road of starting over, getting remarried, and having yet another miracle in my life.  It has not been easy but yet, God is still providing.  Tomorrow will yet mark another wonderful milestone in my life. a first for my new husband in which I get to share with him, a new daddy.  He loves my children as his own and if you have seen his interaction with them, it is so evident, but there is something about holding your own for the first time. 

While most of you are sleeping, I will be awake anticipating what will happen tomorrow and all the new memories that will be made.  I love being a mommy.  It is all that I have ever wanted to be.  4 AM will come so early but I am so excited to continue this journey with my children and my husband and my new son.  I will post pictures as soon as I can. 

Jenn

Thankful

As November has started, I have tried to list on facebook once a day, something I am thankful for.

See list....very proud of my list......

Day 1: Thankful for my salvation, without God I am nothing.
Day 2: I am thankful for my sweet, precious children and husband who love me unconditionally despite my worries, fears, faults, and constant failures. 
Day 3: Thankful for Jason's family and my own family today. 
Day 4: Thankful for my friends... 
Day 5: Thankful for a career that I love that helps me provide for my family! 
Day 6: I am thankful for a warm house, a reliable SUV, and a filled pantry of food that God has provided for me and my family. 
Day 7: Thankful for my American freedom. 
Day 8: Just have to go ahead tonight and post for tomorrow how thankful I am to have a FATHER who cares. HE reminds me on a daily basis by allowing me to wake up, feel my baby kick, hearing my children laugh and pray at the breakfast table, hearing my husband genuinely say "I love you" that HE is all around me. Even when I doubt, even when I am discouraged, even when I am scared and feel alone, HE is there. 
Day 9: Today I am thankful for the struggles of life. I have not always made the best choices, but every one of them has made me who I am and for that I am proud.


I have been fine listing my thankfuls but then comes Day 10 and I just feel stuck.  I am very defeated about this pregnancy and my health related issues.  It's not that I want my baby to be born early and in the NICU, God know that I don't, I just want answers.  Is that too much to ask for?  I know that I have many blessings.  I have made it this far, Jaxon seems to be ok, his fluid is low, his weight gain has slowed too which has not been discussed with me on the next steps since the amniocentesis didn't return desired results. I will be 36 weeks this Sunday, November 13, 2011.  I guess I will be thankful when this is all over, when my blood pressure and headaches are more controlled,  when I know more about what the aneurysm will mean to the rest of my life, and hopefully when I can exercise and feel more in control of my body and when I can just plain feel like a human again.  That's it, I am just thankful that normal is hopefully around the corner and my baby will hopefully be in my arms soon, Lord willing and the creek don't rise.  Optimism is harder to grasp on this side of the fence.

Jenn

And baby makes 7....

As I sit here after another long, but rewarding week (I will be 33 weeks Sunday), I sit teary-eyed that God has allowed Jaxon to stay safe another week, not because I deserve it, but because it is HIS will.  I so do not deserve my wonderful husband who has had dinner waiting on me and my 4 children every day, nor do I deserve these 4 children who love me unconditionally because I am their mommy.   I feel so blessed and thankful because I am part of a special calling to teach children, not just about math but how the real world works.  Last, I am overwhelmed of how Jesus can look at my life and call me his child after all the wrong that I have done.  

Every night at dinner, one of my children pray the blessing for the food.  It goes like this "God, thank you for this day, thank you for mom and Jason getting married, thank you for mom having a baby, thank you for everything we have, thank you for my family, thank you for this food" and many more thanks.....and its then I realize I am making a difference in their lives, how getting remarried has changed them for the BETTER, that I am doing a great job raising them and how I hope that Jaxon feels the same love and commitment from me that they feel. 

I am very anxious and overwhelmed at becoming a mommy for the 5th time.  I am choosing to breastfeed, I have two with asthma(still) and milk protein allergies(all clear now) and feel that I need to at least try to beef up his immune system until I go back to work in January.  I know that it will be work to get nursing established and I hope I can sustain him and I am so excited to spend some precious time at home with a newborn again.  It has been 5 years since Enslee was a baby and I miss that stage so much.  I am excited to see him for the first time and watch his little mouth movements and count his fingers and toes and see who he looks like.  But most of all, I just want him healthy, in my arms and safe.

The last thing I want to blog about tonight is my husband Jason.  He has been such a trooper through this pregnancy, not knowing when the mood swings are coming, the aneurysm and hospital stay, the numerous doctor visits, being a stepdad, and now a first time dad.  I see how excited he is and he has stood by me through everything.  In about 3 weeks, we will experience together a first, a c-section to bring Jaxon into the world.  I am nervous as is he because this is my first ever surgery.  I love that he will get to hold our baby for the very first time while I recover.  He will get to do many of Jaxon's firsts and that makes me very happy.  Enough for tonight.....goodnight to all.

Anxiously Awaiting.....Jaxon Lee

to 5

From 4

Introduction-why the change

Why did I change blog URL's?  Well as you know, so many changes for the better have occurred in the lives of my 4 children and I over the past 2 years.  I found myself, became a better mom, a better follower of Christ, and finally knew what I want out of life, got so tired of settling for what the devil wanted me to have.  I have found my joy again, my children are happy, well adjusted, we have Jason and a new life.  Jason and I started dating  on September 5, 2010, engaged on December 31, 2010, and married on April 2, 2011.  He has been a wonderful addition to our family and now we are expecting a miracle  in December, a little boy, Jaxon Lee. 

No more looking back to the past.  TODAY is what matters.